Monday, November 23, 2015

#25 This is real, this is me.

I feel like all the Disney channel movie songs could be weirdly turned into christian music and you know what, I love it! But really this song (from camp rock, sung by Mitchi, aka Demi Lovato) really has defined my life this past week. "Like do you know what it's like, to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life, where you're the shining start. Even though it seems like it's too far away, I have to believe in myself. It's the only way. This is real this is me I'm exactly where I am supposed to be now, I'm gonna let the light shine on me! now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in, no more hiding who I want to be, this is me." And now before you all shake your heads in disgust because I quoted an original Disney channel movie song and close out of your emails, just give me a few minutes to explain and you too will be converted to Disney channel Christianity (that might be a big load of apostasy, but hey we're gonna go with it...)

 So I'm like really happy with out numbers this week. I know numbers don't matter, but hey I can still be happy with them! This week we found 2 new families where the dad is less active and the mom is an investigator! I was really excited about these two because also, with one of the families, his mom is also a less active and he introduced us to her! So we found in total 5 new less actives this week. We've been trying to really focus on what our president said about looking for the less actives and the different points we should use to help them reactivate and give us references. And the promises are already starting to fulfill themselves!

It's just really cool to finally see something I do make a difference. I guess the reason I've been so down on myself is because I'm still trying to figure out how I am qualified enough to be training someone when I still have little to no Idea what I am doing. And so I was forced to take a hard look at how I was as a missionary and I just couldn't really see the fruits of my labors. I felt like I was really trying, like I was doing everything right, but nothing was coming from it. I thought "there's no way I can be in this ward for another transfer after this. I'm not changing anything. Barrio Central would be much better off without me." And it's really how I felt. I just felt like I was going to mess everything up that the other missionaries had established and that there was really nothing I was good for. And at the same time that I was going to mess everything up for my companion. Because I really don't want to ruin her. Everything just seemed to be crumbling around me. I felt like the members didn't trust me, that everyone couldn't understand my Spanish, that everyone thought that I couldn't understand their Spanish. I was calling My district leader at every moment to ask questions to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong, and that made me feel incompetent and made me feel like he thought I was incompetent. I was just kind of in a dark place. (Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark?)  Like I had no idea where to go and couldn't even see the different options of where I could go. 

But then something changed this week. Things started falling into place. Spanish became a teeny tiny bit easier, and my relationship with my companion got even better. Halfway through the week things changed. I received a blessing from an Elder and in it he blessed me to be able to make it through "this trial of faith". And when he said that, it didn't really make sense to me until later. And I realized, and am realizing right now, that maybe it was a test of the faith I have in myself. To help me see that yeah, I don't know everything, I am far far from knowing everything, but that I know enough to be able to do this work. It's something that has been said to me a lot, that I know enough. That I know enough to help another person know enough. And that's enough. I just didn't believe them until now I guess.

 And I know the numbers don't matter. But the numbers this week, and the people behind the numbers, the lessons, really helped me to figure that out this week. That I'm doing ok. That God and my mission president trust in me, so I need to trust in myself. And that's what I learned this week I think. That if nothing else, out of my mission I will still get a whole ton of people added to my family, who I love and know they love me. I also learned that. And hey, love is pretty good right? All you need is love, as the Beatles once put it, and that's all I need too. But hey, numbers are still a great thing to have!

So I've figured it out. I've figured out that this is real. The mission is real. And that this is me. I am a missionary. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That this ward is for me and I am for this ward. And now I'm going to let the light (or love from god) shine on me. And I'm not going to hide it anymore. I'm not going to hide behind the fact that maybe I don't know a whole lot. I know where I want to go, and I'm figuring out little by little how to get there. I'm not alone. Never will be. And now I hope you understand the analogy of my use of a Demi Lovato song. And I hope you forgive me for it. But hey I'mma keep on singing it!

 Well that's my spiel for hoy. I don't really have any funny stories or anything, just did a whole lot of growing this week. I hope that doesn't bore you! I hope everyone has a great thanks giving and I will be dreaming of sushi and corn hole all week now. Thanks mom. I love everyone, including you whoever you are reading this. I love you! Happy thanks giving and I'll talk to you all real soon yeah? Chao Chao! 

Hermana Rust 

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